Pictionary

“Man!”
“Hair!”
“Hand!”
“A handy hairy man.”

K continued drawing.

“Curls…hand…”
“A perm! Hairdresser!”

K added another drawing

“Nuts?”
“Ah…brain!”
“strike on the head!”

K pointed at the hand.

“Time’s up!”

“Pick my brain!” K said.
“Why did you draw a man with curly hair?” Y asked, pointing at the perm.

Dec 31, 2010

Citylink Nightmare

Nov 20 - My Amazon parcel was supposed to be delivered by Citylink by 1 pm. I waited for the entire day and found out from the Citylink web site in the evening that a delivery was attempted and a calling card was left. Fact: There was no calling card. And as I had been at home all day, I did not believe the driver had come.

Nov 22 - Citylink attempted delivery and left a calling card. Obviously I couldn't receive the delivery or calling card until I got home in the evening. And that night, when I logged on to the web site, a delivery was rescheduled for 23 Nov for me at 5:15 pm (while I was at work). Somebody picked a time that was not convenient for me.

Nov 23 - I phoned Citylink at 7:31 am as soon as their customer service was open, explained the matter, and requested a rescheduled delivery for 26 Nov. The customer service said she'll had it sorted.

Nov 26 – There was no sign of my delivery so I phoned Citylink again.

Citylink, "I can't see anything on the system. Who did you talk you on Tuesday? If you can't tell me, then..."

Her voice was firm but for the sake of Citylink's error, I did not enjoy being investigated.

I said, "Are you telling me that you can't help me because I did not know the name of the person that picked up my call on Tuesday?"

Citylink, "Don't accuse me as if I am not trying to help. The driver did go on Saturday and phoned your landline 6 times... blah..blah..."

I was thinking, "Well, you don't sound very willing to help. How am I going to answer your error and the fact that your system doesn't have it, was it my fault? I am sure you can check the call record - since they will be monitored - and you will know that I called!"

One of the greatest things that I hate is when a customer service said something along of the lines of "it's not on the system so there is no proof of human error, so what do you want me to do..."

In the rare chance when I needed to talk to a customer service, I did usually ask for a reference number or a person's name. I actually had been refused given a name a couple times with some customer service in the past.

The Citylink customer service that I talked to on Tuesday was quite polite so I was easy on her.

I said, "I trusted that when your customer service said that if it's done, it's done. I would not have this problem if the parcel were delivered on Saturday to begin with. There was no calling card and I don't think there is any phone message."
So this lady puts me on hold. And Mr. Kuei checked the phone record for me. Nothing on the Nov 20.

She is back on, "Sorry, we can't locate your item in our depot and you need to speak to Amazon. I will also request a search."

I said, "Well, I am frustrated and I am not happy. If it was delivered on Saturday to being with, I wouldn't have this problem today. And who reschedule this for me for Tuesday? And I just checked my phone record. There is no phone record on Nov 20."

She was keen to move away that "did he turn up or not" discussion. Well, I think she asked for it! I would not like to let it go so quickly.

She eventually said, "Our drivers also take pictures of the premises and we would ask the driver again tonight."

Wow, are photos of my property taken now? I think some Brits would have problem with photos of their premises taken.

I said, "Okay. What is your name?"

She said, "Kim."

I hardly talk to anyone (except to Mr. Kuei as he is uniquely privileged) in a harsh manner but to show more assertiveness is a growth plan of mine. I am assertive within but I don't usually carry myself that way.

Is this Kim lady a good customer service?

All customer service needs to do is just "apologise" and move on to "solve" the problem.

Yes, maybe that lady I spoke on Tuesday failed her mission to reschedule it for today. But Kim just opened a can of worms with me with the way she approached it - analysing the problem with your customer, and most dangerously, question your customer on their part. It gave me a chance to fix on an error that can't be unmade - that I believe the driver actually did not come on Saturday, and you, you, you Citylink is all to blame.

Citylink now claimed to have lost my parcel and Amazon is trying to replace my order. Yes, and they have to wait for their own internal authorisation.

So I am still waiting….

Starbucks Freaks

"A tall triple shot skinny latte, please," I ordered my coffee.

"A gingerbread latte, extra shot, 140 degrees," the guy after me.

Actually, he mentioned something about how he liked the syrup but I couldn't remember. I thought he was taking a mickey so I turned around and smiled. He looked dead serious.

I pondered, “Is there a Starbucks competition on how specific you get with your coffee?”

It reminded me that few weeks ago, I went to Starbucks with a senior colleague of mine. He offered me coffee.

"Tall triple shot skinny latte, please" I said. That’s what I always have.

He repeated after me, "Tall triple latte skinny shot?"

I burst into laughters. It was not that difficult to remember was it? Tall, triple shot, skinny latte.

Just today, I realised that maybe I was as much a Starbucks freak to him as that guy was to me this morning.

Untargeted DM

I received this DM on Friday. “What?” was my initial reaction. I was bewildered but not surprised.

Because it is so cheap to run DM, lazy marketers forget or purposely ignore two fundamental principles: common sense and analytical thinking.

My common sense tells me that there are few senior citizens in this neighbourhood. Actually, I had not seen any.

And a quick Acorn demographic search tells the following truth - perhaps typical but definitely representative facts about the area:

• White collar singles, couples or sharers living in terraces or flats
• Residents mostly in their 20 and early 30s – well qualified, usually to A-level and degree standard; couples with children low, term-time students above national average
• Medium family income, car ownership in line with average, low satellite TV
• Preferred newsletters include Guardian, Independent and Observer

To the marketer, adding this postcode to the distribution may only costs peanuts yet I suspect invalidated postcodes for the distribution must be list long. Because there is no visible harm doing the unnecessary, it doesn’t mean one should do the unnecessary or even make a habit of it. I can also argue by running untargeted DM, the average win rate and ROI is lowered.

I decided to keep this DM though because it was both alerting and fascinating. Alerting as a marketing professional, and as an indivudal, it reminds me to work towards good health. Lead generation wise, I suppose 40 plus years later, I might be a potential customer if I still remember their brand.

As I flicked through the catagloue, few products caught my eye.

• The most undesirable products: Poppet Pill Remover and Reminding Pill Box.

I hope I will never need them. If I ever need few medication, I do wish my memory is going to be sound and my fingers nimble to pop out the pills with ease.

• The most genuine caring product: Bathtub Grab Rail

It is a thoughtful product for a common problem.

• The most fascinating products: Hands Free Magnifier and Universal Kettle Tipper

Come on! This looks silly and will only cause strain to the neck.

Hmm…a kettle leverage?

• Reasonale buys for the lazy young: Soft Snuggle Blanket and Adjustable Lap Desk

I asked hubby, “Would you like one of these?”

Aging is a natural process of a good long life. I mean no offense to the senior people who need those extra little help but I am not ready to buy anything from the catalogue. What I really want to say is that most DM is wasted because it is not relevant to the target audiences and because it is so cheap to run, does it become an acceptable practice? Be smarter and greener.

車廂 布靈奇

第一節車廂

三月，北緯五十一度的雪，蹣跚行駛。
第一節車廂，羞澀地靠上WS站牌，嗶，嗶，嗶，
嗶。她走出車廂。步態精準如一枚士兵。

北國春日的細雪，細碎地捎來復活節的詩歌。
聖芭娜教堂的海報，青年咧著
繽紛的微笑，白色白光，黃色黃光，與黑色的無色之光。
邀請您認識跨越千禧的信使。

薔薇沿著都鐸的黑木框，長出傲慢的花。
保險單上，同樣郵遞區號的吉普4X4，總在特殊的日子
聚集在草坪上禮拜。

一公升九十五便士的車廂，鼓動虔誠
的引擎。遠方伊拉克軍隊爆裂油管。

以及她沒有的虔誠。

***

第二節車廂

牛津街上圍圈而坐的西班牙青年男女
密謀似地，搭上聖芭娜的列車；傾斜的北線
清教徒似地通過幽暗的包皮。

那些節奏輕快，充滿舌尖音節的異語，穿過
SELFRIDGES，總在最忙的車站口，
進行暑期進修。骨牌似地圍起圓圈唱遊，無意
推倒一枚又一枚，整齊踏步的風衣。

他門的唇舌如不能探測的，不能世襲的
歧異而迷途的羊毛。

骨丘墓園

我是這塊骨丘墓園。早晨與傍晚，我的肉身
就這樣穿過自己的墓碑，深深覺得
沒有比這樣的道路更詩意，也更悖論。

來吧，請孩子們到城市的墓園，
彈奏這已經走音的鋼琴，給那些不願意皈依的殘骨與詩人，
以及路過的幽靈。

註:

1. 這墓園現名為Bunhill Fields，源自於屍骨之丘(Bone Hill)。墓園的歷史可以追溯至薩克遜時期，十七世紀鼠疫時期，因為教堂的墓地不足，成為比較大眾的掩埋場。

2. 在這古老的墓園裡還埋葬著詩人與作家，包括威廉布萊克(William Blake)，和異教徒(Non-conformists)。異教徒這個英文字很有趣，泛指非基督教徒，但字面上其實就是不願循規蹈矩的人。

3. 地理上，墓園坐落在倫敦金融區(the City)裡，只是大倫敦地區 (the Greater London)的一小部份。不要懷疑，你以為倫敦是城市，但就這金融地區才叫 The City。墓園差不多在銀行中心(Bank) 的邊緣，約兩站地鐵，步行十五分鐘左右。The City又稱的 the Square Miles，意思是一平方英哩。地方雖小，但在經濟上舉足輕重。

4. 關於鋼琴，倫敦政府舉辦了一個為期三週的活動，把三十座鋼琴放置在不同地點，供人彈奏。有一天中午經過時，聽到一個小孩在彈鋼琴(照片裡的這架)，嚴重走音。礙於社會對戀童癖的問題十分敏感，我就沒有拍下當時的照片。聽說有一架鋼琴被一個社會資源比較不均地區的孩子燒掉，不過這又是另一個話題了。

你要不愛就是恨它

把牆塗成GARNET SYMPHONY NUMBER 5之前，就看中一幅以MARMITE為主題的印畫。一幅是水藍色調，一幅是紫紅色調。塗完牆後，前者順理成章地代替本來的舊印畫。

桂先生覺得MARMITE的主題，有點蠢。但是對我來講，具有多重意義，特別是在這面桃紅色牆上。

1. 這畫有點普普風。藝術是我人生的最愛之一。

2. MARMITE的口號是「你要不愛就是恨它」。我希望我的人生，一直能有勇氣，採取明確的立場。Take a stand!

3. MARMITE是啤酒酵母做成的醬，帶著一點點炭烤的味道，有豐富的維他命B，全素食!

4. 十年前，我第一次聞到MARMITE，覺得味道噁心不已，連試都不敢試，但現在很喜歡。

今天六月，我到英國滿十年了。這是我的歷程。

MARMITE的網站很可愛喔: http://www.marmite.co.uk/

面牆

說要漆客廳的那面牆，有好一段時間。保守的桂先生，起初不太贊成，直到不小心脫口的允諾要兌現時，還是面有難色。

這期間，已經過了兩年。

兩年的時間裡，我的心意已經從海藻藍，轉變成桃紅或蜜桃粉紅。一個朋友知不知道我喜歡粉紅色系，就可以看出他對我的瞭解。

選顏色的過程，是最費心思的。即使心裡有特定的顏色，但從比較色卡到把樣品到塗到牆上，不同光線角度下，呈現出來的色彩，總不太完全符合自己原先的設定。

試了三個樣品後，我怕其他顏色太誇張，決定選擇比較淡的粉紅(PARTY SURPRISE 2)。買了兩公升半的DULUX持久型的啞光漆， 塗滿牆後發現，顏色看起來更淡了，根本是草莓冰淇淋。

桂先生當然臉色不好，一直說洩氣的話，比方說：「牆要被妳毀了。」

那星期六的晚上，我花了更長時間在研究網路上的DULUX色卡。看到我已經搞不清我本來想要的顏色，到底比較接近哪個。有聽過A THOUSAND SHADES OF WHITE嗎？光是白色就有一千種層次啊！

第二瓶漆，桂先生覺得CROWN的SHOCKING PINK比較接近我心裡要的顏色。因為第一次的失敗，我也不好意思堅持。不過，這顏色一塗就知道是個大失敗，連漆種也沒拿對。這個顏色雖然大膽，但沒有我要的優雅和深度。

因為我對DULUX TAILOUR MADE COLOURS 情有獨鍾，百般思量後，我決定用GARNET SYMPHONY NUMBER 5這個顏色。桂先生看了看後，說這是我最後一次機會。但他覺得應該是深一點的NUMBER 4。

大膽刁民，等老娘這次搞定，你就知道我是對的！

不過從之前的經驗，覺得不需要只做兩公升半持久型的漆，一公升普通的啞光漆就綽綽有餘了。

結果呢?

我不知道這是不是我想像中的顏色，但是我知道，我可以跟GARNET SYMPHONY NUMBER 5共同生活，心滿意足地。

雖然塗這面牆的過程有點曲折，但發現DIY比自己想像中容易，即使浪費了兩罐漆，還是比請漆匠划算很多。

最重要的，這樣的經驗一再確定，不要害怕自己的決定可能太大膽，照著心意去做，會得到最接近預期的結果。我相信人生也是。

今年的城隍籤

拜訪府城城隍廟，是每年回家固定的行程。我深深覺得，每在城隍廟感受的禪意、靈氣與正氣，超越了宗教的分隔。

這是今年，我和城隍爺的對話。說中我心中的掛念。

庚申籤

今行到手寔難推，歌歌唱飲自徘徊。
雞犬相聞消息近，婚姻夙世結成雙。

拜訪於今年的三月十一日。

遠遠的太空

羅賓的身體捱著門檻，嘴裡
像吞了棗子樣地呢喃。那些音標被咬碎，
吐出來又吞下去。

鍋子裡煎著打碎的魚肉拌蔬菜。她
在浴室裡，洗滌幼獸般的雙胞胎。

熱水嘩啦嘩啦響著

一對小獸頤指氣使並且善辯。
澡缸裡的鴨子沉下又浮起
如同黃色的警號。

她深信羅賓愛其子女，其愛源自陰謀。
忿忿吼著。滾開。魚與肉在夏天等待嚼食。

羅賓的身體捱著門檻，
舌尖顫動如頹靡的瓣膜。

夜裡，羅賓在花園用力丟擲爛番茄。
她深愛小獸，如青春幻影。 魚肉糊成醬。
她下麵疲憊地攪拌。緩緩吞食。
嘴裡像吞了棗子樣地呢喃，有點忿忿說著恨
又有點忿忿像說著愛。

閣樓裡的小帳篷
小獸說。我愛你羅賓 。千萬不要跟媽媽講。
我愛你。只有你知道。你知道我是愛你的。不要跟媽媽講。
小獸咯咯的笑
那咯咯浪蕩的笑聲在永恆裡
詢問她的處女膜是否破掉。千萬不要跟媽媽講。

媽媽的恨有時很深，
開著門檻睡覺，暗暗聽著
走廊的腳步聲。
媽媽的恨充滿疑惑，天明後
又是坦露的憐憫。
床單染滿月經來潮的愛痕

她說：那緣自羅賓詭譎的童年
在耶穌降臨之夜發生的密秘
只有她與上帝知道。

聽說在晚餐道別的時刻
在狹小的房間
有許多事，如旨意般發生
沙發上與父親的擁吻

一種另類療法
來自印度，卻像更像是古希臘男子的手觸
扶助羅賓渡過太多害羞的童年

羅賓怯怯地把貓咪塞進烘乾機，練習跑步。
支支吾吾的聲音仿若是遠遠的太空
不斷在背後呼喊他的名字

他在烤箱裡放著芝士與麵餅，
把爛掉的菜和了給她吃。她困惑又疲憊

充滿恨又孤獨的愛
遠遠太空中的呼喚從背後而來
羅賓低吟著
澡缸裡的鴨子沉下又浮起
如同黃色的警號。

妳受傷了嗎小獸
她愈哭愈大聲
妳受傷了嗎小獸
她愈哭愈大聲

肢體的傷痕在風衣裡冷冷隱形
只有野獸般不斷擴大如秋天狐狸的靈魂
不斷頤指氣使要更多疼愛
直至愛成為一面可憎的鏡子

羅賓偷偷捱著門檻
望著反映裡兩雙麻糬般的乳房
小獸的眼睛帶著誘惑
咯咯地笑聲盪漾，在羅賓
吐出來又吞下去
棗子樣呢喃的記憶，
直至高潮。

* * *

後記:這首詩應該是在2004年的夏天寫的。因為王志元的一詩【媽媽的恨有時很深 — 致布靈奇】，才又輾轉在舊部落格的cache找到。每次更新筆電或系統，總會經歷一些電子土石流。或者，只是自己太雜亂無章了。志元寄給我的詩稿，到是在自己的文件夾中找到了。可惜，並沒有留下這位詩友的聯絡方式。2010.05.20

* * *

王志元的一詩【媽媽的恨有時很深 — 致布靈奇】http://www.libertytimes.com.tw/2010/new/apr/12/today-article2.htm

媽媽的恨有時很深 ——致布靈奇

◎王志元

媽媽的恨有時很深

像是洗手檯裡浸濕一半的頭髮

她身軀赤裸如蠟

彷彿有人偷偷將肋骨

從平薄胸部下緣嵌了進去

我喚她：「媽媽。」

她俯視我，用浴巾

把我包了起來。擦乾

說：「你乖。」

她把我放著，轉過身去

將自己擦乾。從上到下

讓我無法不記得她私處的樣子

像黑夜裡埋藏的眼睛

房間不斷包裹的房間

她說：「你乖。」

我聽話，撫摸她的臉頰

到現在還不問她為什麼不哭

她將墨鏡戴上，開車

路上沒說半句話

窗外有樹，根緊抓著泥土

我說媽媽看

她也沒停下的意思

我還沒問媽媽：「為什麼？」

她在床上流木似地躺著

我怕黑。讓媽媽將我

放在床下的被墊上

聽她呼吸，像海一樣

漫了過來

媽媽期望火

期望有人以枝條撥開灰燼

讓她散開、感覺冷的顏色

讓她所剩無幾地亮著

她說：「你乖。」

彷彿有人在黑暗張開手

散落那些碎裂的種子

媽媽說了故事讓我別哭

讓我試著遺忘

但沒抱我

我沿著床緣看她背影

長久地猜著是誰

將恨深深嵌了進去

我說媽媽妳看

用手敲拍著窗

讓玻璃上疊滿掌紋

車子穿過隧道，停下來

她把自己埋在方向盤上

沒有發出聲音的意思

窗外有樹

根緊抓泥土

我喚她：「媽媽。」

她抬頭看我

遠方有雨

沒人走來

寫愛如書寫一紙遺書 遺書之五 布靈奇

聽說在翻騰的真實地獄裡，極致
才能將靈魂抽絲剝繭。

我已經聽不到聲音
應該往哪裡走

暗夜裡，你的鼾息在暗夜裡
數落重疊的偶然
我向著命運的黑洞奔去

是那樣子的黑暗
那樣子的綿密

裹覆我純白的靈魂

在暗中，我們用天使細線般的指尖
書寫愛如書寫一紙遺書

書寫愛如書寫一紙遺書 遺書之四 布靈奇

那夜，天女散花
冬日如淡霧

淡霧深處
飛翔的碎片，發出點點靄光。

在凌遲的陣痛中驚醒

綿延的憂慮如長河
記憶如細沙，
暴散
逐漸消失的靠岸

而那花如白點，也比雪更脆弱
在我破裂的網膜上
溫柔地覆蓋
隨即溶化的模糊

所以我謀殺了你 布靈奇

所以我謀殺了你。在
蒂芬妮的粉紅藍寶的粉紅，渲染光影
接近北極的稀薄空氣。

誤殺，也許。
夢是太過希臘哲學的迴梯
輕易誤入歧途。

我們如此歧異地美麗。
領著我們的男子。

所以我謀殺了你。在漂浮的，四角形
的水池。藍色藍光， 搖擺，粉紅色的粉紅光。
The Pink is so Sapphire

啊。不知道該從何說起
卻愈益靠近。那回憶是你纖長潔白的脖子。

所以我誤殺了你。
在灰色巨石的廢墟
你不說一句話語地落水。

我說我曾經愛過你。

快樂的清單

我所獲得的幸福，來自於一種信念。相信不論逆或順，這當下是對我最好的安排。即使在逆境時，相信痛苦也將過去。

而快樂是讓自己的心，飽滿地享受美好的氛圍。

純粹地享受細微的事物，閱讀、音樂、動物、花草、葡萄酒、朋友，或一件純粹的美麗。

試著列快樂的清單吧!

1. 跟阿爸喝啤酒，我很快樂。

2. 跟阿母一起按臉看韓劇，我很快樂。

3. 姊妹相愛，我很快樂。

4. 親愛的他，睡前還是會牽著我的手，我很快樂。

5. 擁抱太陽烘過的貓咪，我很快樂。

6. 睡前點著我的帝芬尼燈讀詩，我很快樂。

7. 在乾淨明亮的房子裡走動，我很快樂。

8. 朋友說思念我，我很快樂。

9. 喝evian的時候，我很快樂。(雖然，現在限制自己喝的量，因為這的確是不環保的。)

10. 有閒胡思亂想，我很快樂。

The list continues…

諸葛亮的家書

媽媽傍晚出門前，說想讀諸葛亮寫給兒子的家書。要我找。臨睡前突然想起，所以拿筆抄了下來。

這幾年，中文愈來愈差，手書更不能提了；大字筆畫都記不清楚，哪能寫得漂亮?

我想，媽媽藉著這次抄抄寫寫，不僅幫我複習點中文，也順便訓勉我。

以下為諸葛亮寫給八歲兒子諸葛瞻的家書

「夫君子之行，靜以修身，儉以養德；非澹泊無以明志，非寧靜無以致遠。夫學須靜也，才須學也；非學無以廣才，非志無以成學。怠慢則不能勵精，險躁則不能冶性。年與時馳，意與歲去，遂成枯落，多不接世。悲守窮廬，將復何及！」

八歲就認得這些字啊?
請媽媽原諒我的平庸吧。

不過這個諸葛爸爸，講話還真不囉嗦。

保存期限

經過三個禮拜的休息，身心輕鬆愉快。簡單地享受閱讀與家居生活，並且不適切地耽溺睡眠與網路。夜裡握著他的手，因為卸下一直壓著胸腔的鬱氣，此時，更能感受幸福。

雖然偶爾還是作了不安的夢，然而這幾日更常在夜裡想著該何去何從，以及L說的坑的事情。

想做的事情還太多，什麼都不做不想的時刻也彷彿永遠不夠。

可以就這樣嗎? 可不可以不要告訴我，而我自己也不去想，生命、青春、愛情和所有事物的保存期限，和下一部列車的時間。